| Hey guys, I'm not dead |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|10:54 am] |
Hey guys, I'm back from badass school. Sorry I've been gone for the past four years, I was practicing the fireball toss with my Airskates when suddenly it occurred to me that I'd probably been spending a little too much time in the sky. My watch had broken a little bit earlier, but I didn't really care because I have a good sense of time, you know?
Anyway, turns out that it's been four years.
Anyway, this entire time, my little baby brother has been updating crap about me liking some Tech Girl or something gross like that. Gross. Cooties. In reality I have been married to the sea this entire time, and I'm not even kidding. She's the only one turbulent to satisfy me, and in my passion I bought her a giant gold ring which is the size of 1/4 of the Earth and somehow I put it on her finger and it's amazing. Jesus I have so much money. Learning how to sneeze diamonds in 2nd grade really helped me out in the long run.
Anyway, to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed about what my little brother wrote every once in a while. (Jerk couldn't be bothered to keep an update schedule!) But it's okay. I understand that little whiny babies go through turbulent times and they pretend to ruin their brother's lives with diatribes so sappy they'll give you diatribe-diabetes. Holy Donkey Kong some of that stuff that he wrote was barely edible, it was so bad. I wonder how any of you managed to choke it down. I mean, really, Brandish? But whatever. Puberty's a dangerous thing. Good thing I never went through it, I went through super-puberty when I was 10 and got chest hair and muscles and have been buff ever since, and when I reach my late-fifties I'm going to go back and be a teenager for a few years and laugh at all the old saggy people but until then I don't have to worry about it. Sounds like good. I'm gonna go ride a meteorite.
Anyway, the really important thing is, guys, that I really never was lying about anything, and that everything depressing or contradictory was written by my little brother, and that everything absolutely awesome was written on the fly in the sky with golden smoke from my Airskates. My crack team of skywriter-watchers transcribed it all, letter by letter, poring over every character. Sometimes I even wrote in Chinese. Remember that picture of those fluffy puppies? I drew that.
I kept my promises, Turtle's honor. By the way, Jack's doing great. And I found out a way to look sexy when I brush my teeth, but I'm working on getting a patent for it. So I can't tell you what it is.
Anyway, here's the update you've all been waiting for:
My profession isn't knife anymore. I'm a wakizashi now.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you guys that. Here's to getting my watch fixed.
All Hail Shane. |
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fwugradiation's journal
warts on the sides of my head